The hardships of singleness as worship

Thirty-four-year-old Rotondwa* quit her job as an engineer to become a missionary in Asia. She’s been on the field for over seven years and when people meet her for the first time, they are shocked that this southern African is the same person they heard over the phone – because she speaks the local language so fluently!

Rotondwa serves among slum dwellers and spends time visiting homes, building relationships, drinking lots of local tea, helping and encouraging, and sharing Bible stories. She organizes English and Bible classes for children, oversees a football ministry for boys, and runs a women’s group that does arts and crafts and talks about health and family – all for the purpose of making disciples for Jesus. She believes this is something God has called and empowered her to do. She sees women following Jesus despite the cost of persecution. She is happy when the children in her Bible class demonstrate Christlike love and kindness, and when those she reaches experience God’s physical and emotional healing.

Rotondwa’s current life belies her initial experience when she first arrived here on a three-week trip years ago. “I cried. I wanted to leave immediately. I was black in Asia, and people stared. One child screamed and ran away when she saw me. The spiritual atmosphere was different, with idol worship at every corner. I had lived a sheltered life back home and so all of this was new. I kept counting the days to my departure.”

While Rotondwa may have successfully shed off her cultural alienation over time, she struggles with one abiding difficultly – her singleness.

Single by circumstance

“My mother always said, ‘Books before boys because boys bring babies’ and so, the one time I was asked out while in the university, I declined. Since then, I have not been pursued by any man who shared my values for me to want to be in a relationship with. But it was during my time in school that I first understood the gospel and decided to give my life for it. I eventually joined a Western ministry that had missionaries serving here.”

Among her team of 18 internationals, Rotondwa is the only African. There are five married couples, two single men, and six single ladies.

“Recently, I started seeing the beauty of singleness in the freedom I have to run after Jesus and what he has for me without restrictions. I can arrive home late without a husband or children waiting on me for anything. But I was called to missions and not to singleness. People say you’re supposed to be satisfied in Jesus but it’s very different to come home to no one. Your team may love and support you but it’s not the same as having someone who is there just for you, to encourage you and to care about your interests.”

As much as Rotondwa would like to be married, her options are limited. Here, being black is regarded as unattractive and she has even been advised to use lightening creams to enhance her chances of getting a husband. Her family back home assures her: ‘It doesn’t matter the person’s culture. We’ll take anybody.’ But they don’t know that the natives prefer women from the affluent West; for what does “poor Africa” have to offer? The unbelievers in her family, and some Christians, tell her to have a baby because she’s not getting younger. “My mother, who can barely send a photo via WhatsApp, once asked me to try online dating. How in the world did she get that idea? But for my dad, I see his concern. He wonders who will look out for me when he’s no longer around.

Among our team, whenever a new single guy is arriving, everyone starts anticipating that he may be the one for you. And when he doesn’t choose you, there’s that subtle sense of rejection, even if you weren’t expecting anything. It’s like constantly waiting for someone to come and rescue you from your misery of singleness. People do not also understand what it’s like to be single. They think you can be available for anything because you have nothing to do. You’ll always notice and feel your singleness by the way things unfold around you, even with room assignments. Every day on the field, people ask when I’m getting married.”

Rotondwa’s support system

“When I had my professional job, I was able to support others, but after becoming a missionary, I could barely afford my own life. I now had to ask people for money – a culturally difficult thing to do. After staying longer on the field, however, it became easier. As more Western people discovered what I was doing, they supported me. Westerners have a different mindset about giving to missions, and a little funding from the West can translate into so much compared to what someone back home may sacrifice to give. I think being generous myself also opened the door for God’s provision. When I received any support, I alternated between giving one out and keeping the next one for myself. I experienced many miracles that way.”

Rotondwa’s team meets twice a week to fellowship and to share what each person is doing. The ministry organizes Zoom meetings for single missionaries but what Rotondwa finds more helpful are her sessions with her American member care lady, once a single missionary herself.

“I know that this is someone who is for me. Her whole mission is ‘how can I help you, pray for you, challenge you?’ She knows about the things I’m doing and asks how they are going.”

“When I’m back home and I request it, my church gives me some time in the service to share about my work, but beyond their feedback of ‘Oh, you’re doing great’, there’s no ‘How can we help you or support you as a community?’. We have the aunties at my church who do all-night prayers, but I don’t remember them ever calling to ask how I’m getting along or how they can pray for me. Maybe this whole missions thing is new to them or I don’t ask for their support hard enough.”

Challenges and consolations

Rotondwa’s friends back home support her in missions, but work, marriage, and varying time zones limit their interactions. “When I’m home, we act like everything is normal, but relationships change. My friends do not understand what it’s like to be in my situation, but meeting a Nigerian missionary here was God’s grace. With our shared experiences, we were able to talk and encourage each other.”

One thing that helps Rotondwa with loneliness is when people include her in their lives. “Like tonight, I had dinner with a married couple and their son. They once brought him to live with me for a week while they were on an outreach. When people invite us in, we feel seen.”

“Last week, I was laughing with some older local women and sharing stories of God’s redemption for bad marriages. One of them turned and said to me, ‘I have been the age of everyone here – a child, your age, and now I’m 50. I want to encourage you because I know it can be difficult. I understand your body’s natural desire for sex at this age, but I see you and you’re doing well.’ That was such an encouraging moment, especially, given that people here don’t say things like that. You hit your 30s and wonder where the feelings suddenly came from. People think single women are strong, and no one asks if you’re struggling with sexual sin. Being aware that it happens is helpful. I started tracking my cycle to know when I’m ovulating so I avoid tempting situations. In addition to God’s help, we need people who will do for us what that woman did for me.”

Helping and hurting singles

“People outside can matchmake for us; not the random joining of any two single people, but knowing their values, interests, character, etc. and determining that they are right fits. It’s better if people first tell the guy about the lady to find out if he may be interested before they proceed.”

“Ask about single people often and pray for them. In my team, people ask when they don’t see you, but other single people could die without others knowing. Don’t let days and weeks pass without checking on them.”

“One unhelpful thing is when people tell me to change who I am just so I can be married – ‘wear make-up, change your hair, change your dress’ – but I cannot maintain all that just to attract someone who is drawn to what I’m not. It makes me feel inadequate and that being single is my fault.”

Marriage … when it comes

“It’s horrid to see older single missionaries who have no one to care for them according to how nature works. Husband and kids are there for married women but my biggest fear is facing a crisis or dying alone.”

“I may appear independent and strong, but it’s because I need that disposition to get things done. When I get married, I look forward to not needing to be this strong person who does the work of two people. I’m ready to stop fighting with the local mechanic when I take my motorbike for servicing. I look forward to coming home to someone who will share my burdens, ask questions, pray with me, challenge me, and encourage me. I look forward to building with my husband something that lasts for the Lord.”

“When we talk about worship, people think about singing, praying and serving the Lord. When single people choose, for the sake of God’s Kingdom, to stay in a place where singleness is hard, that’s worship too. Jesus is worthy of everything, including the hardships of my singleness. I wouldn’t choose this for myself, but for his glory, I will stay – no matter the cost.”

Rotondwa wants the African Church to know that single missionaries exist. “Care for us as you would your own daughters. It’s un-African to leave one of our own out alone and in the cold.”