In recent decades, evangelical Christians have been fighting to protect the sanctity of marriage and the family in a world seeking to undermine both. One unfortunate consequence has been an elevation of marriage and the family from being God’s good gifts to becoming the goal of the Christian life. This makes life unnecessarily difficult for the single Christian. Uneasiness about singleness affects the personal lives of single missionaries and interferes with their ability to minister effectively.

All people are single for some or all of their lives and single people are a significant demographic in the Christian community. They include the never-married, the widowed, and the divorced. When it comes to candidates for missionary work, married couples are believed to be the ideal.

A married pastor once volunteered to take me to several villages to mobilize fellow pastors for missions. In one place, the pastor was not at home and my guide suggested that I speak to his wife. As I proceeded with an introduction, she asked where my husband was, and I told her I was unmarried. She swept me up and down with her eyes and told me to go get married first because without a husband, I had no ministry. Only heaven knows the damage those words did. For many years, they kept ringing in my ears and I lost every desire to mingle with others. I longed to quit the field but I could not reveal the real reason to my leaders, so I just marked time.

Cultural and religious perceptions

In most cultures, family is highly valued as essential for social and economic stability. Singleness is seen as a deviation from the norm and a threat to traditional family structures; hence, a source of concern. Some churches see it as a test of faith or a vocation that allows for time to focus on spiritual growth and service to humanity, but when it appears overstretched, other meanings are read into it. One pastor said that I probably had not prayed with sufficient importunity and he gave me the testimony of a sister who sat under the hot sun for hours praying for God to give her a husband and by the next year, she was married.

Many people think that single missionaries are unfulfilled or incomplete and view singleness as a temporary state, expecting that everyone will eventually get married someday. Others assume that singles lack social skills and are unable to form meaningful relationships. People tend to suspect single missionaries and their friendships, causing them to sometimes surrender close personal relationships for fear of reproach.

Some try to spiritualise singleness by saying that you must be specially empowered for a life of celibacy – possibly, a special injection of the Holy Spirit that God gives to the few whom he has set apart for lifelong singleness. Someone explained it thus: If you are single and know down in your heart that you would get married in an instant if a reasonable opportunity presented itself … if you find yourself terribly frustrated by unfulfilled sexual impulses, then you probably do not have the gift. But if neither of these things seems to bother you – rejoice … you may have found one of your spiritual gifts.^[1] But if we would be honest with ourselves, we all have normal sexual impulses, and yet, find ourselves single all the same. Instead of these things being helpful, they rather lead to frustration – frustration at God who has withheld both the special spiritual gift and the husband!

Biblical foundations

In the Old Testament, Israel’s relationship with God was based on the covenant he made with Abraham and his descendants. Because marriage was considered vital as the context within which these descendants were to be born and raised, a single Old Testament Israelite, whether unmarried, divorced, or widowed, was a tragic figure. Singleness was the realm of the eunuchs, the prostitutes, and the slaves, and therefore, was considered abnormal. Unfortunately, this remains the stance of many church leaders today. I was once in a church service where the pastor spoke so derogatorily of the single never-married state that I regretted visiting.

The New Testament, however, speaks about remaining chastely single as something inherently good. In Matthew 22:28-30, the Lord Jesus reveals that earthly marriage will one day become redundant. As Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5, the union between a husband and a wife points to the heavenly union between Christ and the Church, and married Christians foreshadow that reality in their lives now. Earthly singleness, on the other hand, reflects the wonderful heavenly relationships that we, as individuals, will have with one another. So, the purpose of godly singleness is just as important as the purpose of godly marriage because they both point us towards different aspects of the heavenly reality that awaits us. This truth liberated me!

Godly singleness also shows us that what matters most for us as New Testament saints is not just creating biological heirs, but spiritual heirs who are reborn. We are all called to invite others to the truth of Christ. Even though he was single, Paul’s relationship with his disciples was genuinely like that of a parent and a child. His role was to bear spiritual children for God through disciple-making.

From 1 Corinthians 7:7, marriage and singleness are different gifts that God gives to different people. Sometimes, our experience of singleness makes it feel like anything but a gift because our misunderstanding of the nature of the gift blinds us to its goodness. Singleness is a gift we are all born with and we will either have that gift for our entire life or God will give us the gift of being married. Later in life for some, he may give back the gift of singleness either through widowhood or divorce. If you are single today, it is not an injection of spiritual power that will ensure you live a perfectly fulfilled life. It is simply the state of life that God has given you here and now.

The blessings of singleness

Apostle Paul teaches that the unmarried is concerned about the Lord’s affairs while the married have other concerns (1 Cor. 7:32-38). As single missionaries, we can focus on pleasing the Lord, bearing spiritual fruit, and serving him and others without distraction. Single missionaries have greater flexibility to travel, relocate, adapt to new situations, and control their lives, finances, and decisions. They can devote themselves fully to God, taking risks to pursue new territories and opportunities for him.

Someone once shared that before she was married, her Christian ministry was very extensive. She was able to pour a lot of time into a whole lot of different ministries and relationships. But when she became a wife and then a mother, her ministry turned from being extensive to being intensive. Much of her ministry and Christian service was focused on her husband and her children. Now, one was not more valuable than the other. They were simply different.

The Bible says that remaining single is the better of the two good options but in our evangelical culture, the Church has become so tightly connected with the nuclear family unit that singleness sometimes does not even appear to be a valid option, let alone the better one.

The burdens of singleness

Single missionaries face social stigma, particularly in cultures that emphasize marriage and family, while married couples often receive social recognition, respect, and validation. They may feel lonely, isolated, and disconnected, while couples can provide emotional support, companionship, and a sense of belonging for each other. Singles face pressure from society, family, or friends to get married and settle down, while couples make a long-term commitment to each other, providing a sense of stability and security. Single missionaries lack a built-in support system, relying on friends, family, or the community for help while the married share responsibilities. Some churches prioritize marriage and family, leaving single people feeling marginalized or excluded.

When it comes to missions, most churches and mission agencies view singleness as a problem to be solved rather than a valid and valuable state of life. They do not provide adequate support for the unique needs of single missionaries or the risks they face on the field. Some place unrealistic pressures on single missionaries, such as expecting them to be readily available to serve all the time.

It is hard to believe that singleness is good when perhaps, most of the time, it feels anything but good: the heartaches, the loneliness, the anxieties, the frustrations, the dissatisfaction, the temptations, the uncertainty – most single people know these intimately. How do we reconcile the pain of these experiences with God’s Word that says he has a good purpose for singleness? Because, although being single gives us ministry opportunities that our married friends may not have, many of us are still bothered and frustrated by our singleness.

The reason God gives either the gift of being married or of being single is not ultimately so that we can enjoy ourselves, but so we can love and serve him and others. When we understand that it is not all about us, then we are freed from our resentment of having been given a gift we did not want or ask for. We are free to pursue the good purpose of the gift, even though sometimes, it may be difficult and painful so to do.

Many single missionaries are deeply fulfilled and have no desire to change their status. Some would like to marry but that is yet to happen. Some choose to remain single as a form of spiritual discipline and for the sake of the Kingdom as the Lord Jesus teaches in Matthew 19:12. Some fear the challenge of supporting a family financially. Some remain single because they were sexually abused as children and cannot bear the physical or psychological intimacy that marriage entails.

Marriage is a good gift from God, and so it is natural that there be some sorrow amongst those who have not received that gift – at least, not yet. While it may be normal for us to be sad, it is not okay to wallow in our sadness, dwell on our disappointments, or breed bitterness. God’s Word tells us that we must learn to cultivate contentment amid pain (Phil. 4:12-13).

Helping single missionaries

As the Church seeks to fulfil the Great Commission, it is imperative that we recognize, empower, and unleash the potential of single people in missions.

To churches and mission agencies:

• Acknowledge, appreciate and celebrate the contributions and strengths that single missionaries bring to the field.
• Strive to understand their unique challenges and limitations and avoid placing unrealistic expectations or burdens on them.
• Offer specialized training, coaching, and support to help them navigate their risks and challenges.
• Intentionally include them in leadership, decision-making and resource allocation, and advocate for their needs and concerns.
• Conduct regular check-ins with them to assess their emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being.
• Prioritise building a sense of community and connection among single missionaries and provide opportunities for them to connect with others who share similar experiences and challenges.
• Encourage a culture of openness and honesty among single missionaries where they feel comfortable to share their struggles and concerns.
• The Church should try same age groupings instead of using the criteria of marriage to create groups in church.

 

To friends of singles and single missionaries:

• If you are married, learn to promote the goodness of marriage and family without making this life all about marriage and family.
• Love your single Christian friends who do not have a family of their own by making your family outward looking and including them in it.
• Support and challenge your single friends as they seek to be godly in their singleness.

 

To singles and single missionaries:

• Trust God’s Word when he says that he has a good purpose for your singleness.
• Take up the challenge of modelling the profound biblical truth that this world and everything in it is passing away.
• Take seriously the privilege and responsibility of spiritual motherhood or fatherhood as you disciple others in Christ.
• Seek to expend the freedom you have as a single person to be undivided in your devotion to God.
• Use your singleness to remind the Body of Christ that the role of the family should be that of building and growing the eternal Church and not just building and growing earthly families.
• If you are single and struggling in a world obsessed with coupledom, keep your eyes fixed on eternity and on our Saviour, who himself was unmarried while on earth and experienced every grief and temptation known to mankind.
• If you are sad about your singleness, acknowledge the truth of your pain and ask God to help you be content despite it, because we can do all things through him who gives us strength. Longing for marriage without being controlled by that longing is not an easy thing to do, but it is possible.

We can all make life easy for single missionaries as they serve in challenging and hard-to-reach areas.

[1] Quoted from a teaching by Dani Treweek titled, “Redeeming Singleness”.